Day 7

Its been one week. My vision hasn't changed since Sunday, which is good and bad, its not worse, but not better. I have clinicals today at Cancer Care. I've noticed I'm really unsure of where I am and am constantly turning to the left. I think I'm paranoid I'm going to bump into something or someone. Its really a strange feeling.

Day 6

I get a call from Chesley to set me up for an appointment. I'm able to get in first thing in the morning so I only have to miss one class. Unfortunately I will be dilated for my second class in which I will be giving a presentation. The doctor said my eyes looked the same. Now it is just watch and wait. He will be out of the office until Friday and he wants to see me them. If I get worse or have any new symptoms to call Dr. such and such. He is aware of my case. My case? Although I find it comforting to know he is consulting other physicians, it also reminds me of the seriousness and uncertainty. My presentation went great. I called Hayley to see if she could give me a ride home from school. I feel like a child having to call and ask people for rides. I know its inconvenient.

Day 5

My vision is the same, no better no worse. I find it heartbreaking to be on the prayer list at Church, thats for people in need and the people who are sick. I hate when people ask me about my eye and I see the fear and concern in their voice and their facial expressions. I go from making jokes about it in front of people and crying uncontrollably when no one is around. I take care of people. I'm scared. Its the unknown, not having a definitive diagnosis. Not knowing my prognosis.

Day 4

My vision if definitely worse today. The spot is the same but my actual vision in my eye is worse. My vision looks as if someone has smeared vaseline all over my eye. I can see light through it and shapes but no definite lines.
I kept thinking is was going to get better and I didn't want to ruin Ben and Abram's birthday party so I ignored it until after the party. I had them page the retina specialist. He called back and said he was headed to the office to look up a few things. At this point I am convinced I have a tumor on my optic nerve. A few hours later he calls me with a suggestive diagnosis of multiple evanescent white dot syndrome. Unfortunatley its not a textbook case, there's no cure, it is just a wait and see type thing. Call if it gets worse and if you get anymore sypmtoms unrelated to the eye. I am to come into the office on Monday to see him.
My emotions have been a roller coaster ride along with my self diagnosis. Day 1 I thought I may be having a stroke. Day 2, possible stroke. Day three an autoimmune disease. Day four a tumor.

Day 3

My good friend Chesley had called yesterday to find out what was going on with my eye. She just happens to work with an outstanding retina specialist. I told her and she said I should see her doctor, I said I probably would for a second opinion. I woke up with my vision the same as it had been and totally stressd because I had a test in peds. I was worried I wouldn't be able to fill in the scantron correctly. I had spoken with my professor and was told if I can't fill out the bubbles then don't take the test. I could rant and rave about this lack of compassion but thats another blog. I took the test got a 94% one of the top in the class. Fury sometimes does me good. When I was driving to pick Ben up Chesley had called and said she had spoke with her doctor and he wanted to see me and he could get me in at 1245 today. After a rearrange with Ben's schedule I went right in. I had the same test ran as the previous day and he also did an angiography which showed an inflamed optic nerve and some inflamation in the capillaries along with some build up or white spots around the capillaries. His response, there is something wrong, but I do not know what, but I will go through all of my sources until I find out what it is. Fair enough, you can't go wrong with honesty.
I went to a funeral that night and on on the way home, I realized my vision was getting worse.

My eye, day 2.

I went and saw the first retina specialist on this day. Luckily John was able to take me. Yesterday my parents had to come and pick me up from the doctor since I couldn't see well enough to drive. This was a rough day and a really bad experience. I was so glad to have my husband there with me. It started with the dilation, photos of my eyes and then the doctor examining my eye. The examination was horrible. It was invasive and I felt so vulnerable. One of my biggest pet peeves concerning the medical field is when they do things without explaining it to the patient first. At one point I thought I had gone blind. They had put a gel in my eye and then stuck this cone thing to it. IT TOUCHED MY EYE. Not only touched it but for a long period of time. My head was strapped to the machine. I felt as if I was in a torturing device. When they removed it I couldn't see. Do you know how frightening that is? When I said, "I can't see." The only response is that's normal. Thanks for the heads up. After the intrusive examination he goes on to tell me he thinks I am having an autoimmune response. Ok. Why? Should I have blood work drawn? Should I be checked for autoimmune diseases? Where do we go from here? Will I get my vision back? After halfway answering all my questions he goes on to tell me he graduated at the top of his medical class and how smart you have to be to be a retina specialist. Obviously social skills are not needed.
I left in tears feeling as if nothing had been acomplished. My vision was the same. Most of all I was scared. Scared I had a tumor, scared I had an autoimmune disease. Scared of the unknown. I cried the remainder of the evening. Not knowing where or what to do next.

My eye, day 1.

Tuesday February 15 around 930 at night I noticed a dark spot in my vision when I would blink, it almost looked like a dark spider web. I attributed it to stress and fatigue from a long day at clinicals. I woke up the next morning, drove to clinicals and really didn't think much about it. When we were sitting in preconference I then noticed part of my visual field was gone to the left of center. Basically if someone was standing around four feet in front of me just to the left of my center vision I coudn't see there head. (I think thats a good description).
I spoke to my clinical instructor and she said she would I should [probably go and see my opthamologist. At this point I'm really not concerned at all. After clinicals I met some of the girls for lunch and on the way I called my optometrist. Gave her answer service the description of my symptoms and within 2 minutes she calls me back and ask me to come in for this could be a detatched retina. Her calling me back so quickly did give my some concern, I knew a detached retina could be fixed and figured if that was it, you fix and be done with.
I got to Dr. Sweet's office around 130 in the afternoon. She looked, looked and looked some more at my eye and was baffled, she could see something wrong, but could not define it. But my retina looked good. She had me hang out in her office for about an hour and she re-evaluated me. After the reevaluations she wanted me to see an opthamolgist. I went straight from her office to the next doctor's office. Right when I got there they dialated me and I saw the doctor. He said he could see some inflamation and some RBC's in my eye. So he wanted me to see a retina specialist. They set me up an appointment for the next day.

Happy Birthday Benjamin!

My baby is three. I have been so busy with school, I haven't wanted to take any of my extra time (and I use "extra" loosely) to blog. But I didn't want to look back and not have anything written about Ben on his special day.
We started the day with Mickey Mouse pancakes and sausage. The night before I had decorated the kitchen with his favorite cartoon, Phineas and Ferb, and of course plenty of balloons. He got to open his present from John and I before breakfast, a helicopter. This was the only thing he asked for so luckily I was able to find one! After his nap we headed to Incredible Pizza. Unfortunately it wasn't so incredible. There were so many people there. I think Ben had a good time, but we all left totally overstimulated. We came home to enjoy Benjamin's favorite part of his Birthday, the cupcakes! Next weekend will be spent celebrating Ben's birthday with his best friend and cousin, Abram (AKA Thing 1 and Thing 2).

Here are a few things I want to remember about Ben over the last year:
1. He started preschool at Broadway Baptist. He has thrived. He is so much more social than John and I, he has really enjoyed the interaction.
2. Every time I would tell him Happy Birthday, he would tell me, Happy Birthday Mom, in the sweetest little voice.
3. He has started developing friends. It is the sweetest little thing. He has even asked to spend the night with his BFF Brock.
4. He jumps with both feet off the ground.
5. Nothing can have pink, because he says pink is for girls.
6. He talks constantly, he articulates every word and speaks with passion.
7. He likes to say, "Lets talk about...." and names different things he wants to talk about.
8. He can sing 4 songs from memory.
9. He has the best imagination. I love to sit back and watch him when he plays with his toys.
10. He was potty trained this year, much to my relief it wasn't too bad.

My sweet little boy, I love you so much. I remember the first time I saw you and the overwhelming emotions I felt and the tears that filled my eyes. Still to this day when I look at you I have that same feeling. You are more than I could every wish for. You bring me so much joy (and a touch of crazy). I love you my Sunshine.

Potty Training, pardon the bathroom talk...

This summer I tried to potty train Ben and it was absolutely horrible. We tried for two days and all I did was clean up urine. My house smelled like a men's bathroom. It was gross. So, I gave up and went back to diapers and was convinced he would never use the potty. My plan was to try again over my Christmas break from school. I dreaded it, lost sleep over it and shed a few tears. We started Thursday evening before his bath. I went about it different in that I had him stand on a stool in front of a the big potty instead of sitting down on the little potty. Bingo. The first night he peed in the potty first try, then continued to go to the bathroom when prompted the remainder of the night. The next morning got up put on his underwear and he had an accident in the morning and one in the afternoon, but that was it. He did refuse to poop in the potty and would wait until I would put on his night time pants (Underjams) to go poop. The next day I had a seminar to go to so my Dad watched Ben. He had one accident there and we had a dinner to attend that night and he had an accident there. Sunday we had Church, no accident. He took his nap at my parents house without night time pants on, no accident. Then we picked up John from the airport, no accident. Monday he started going to the bathroom unprompted. We went to Target and out to eat with no accidents. That night he went poop in the potty without me even asking! He was very excited and had to call both sets of Grandparents. No accidents since Saturday. Today he is at his school, fingers crossed no accidents there!

What worked for Ben:
-Chocolate, I used chocolate chips.
-For pooping his reward was a large piece of chocolate.
-I would ask him if he needed to use the bathroom, if he said no, I didn't make him go. I wanted him to feel like he was in control. (Drove me crazy, I like to be in control.) But usually within 2 minutes of me asking he would go to the bathroom.

Way to go Ben! I love you!

PS-I got him so boxer briefs, too cute!

Oops.

I posted the wrond video below. It is Ben clapping for himself. Hopefully the one this is the correct one!

Christmas Program

Last night was Ben's school Christmas Program. I thought he did a great job. During the first song he looked as if he had no idea what was going on. (The picture with his arms crossed). But by his second song at the end of the program he did the hand jestures and sang along. (The video). His teacher gave him a candy cane at the end and it totally made his night, thus the picture with the enormous smile. (I was holding the candy cane hostage until I got a good picture.) Unfortunatley John didn't get to be there due to work. (NFR for the next two weeks). And Grandma and Papa's car broke down on the way there. But he was rooted on by his Grammy, Nana, Peepa and of course Mommy.

-School is almost over for the semester, just a midciricular exam and my final. Hardest semester of my life. The reward, this time next year I will be a Registered Nurse.

-Ben had pnemonia. Poor guy. Luckily he wasn't hospitalized and I was able to use my nursing skills on him. To be diagnosed he had to have blood work drawn and have a chest x-ray. He was incredibley good for both. When they stuck him with the need he looked at her and said "THAT HURT!" During the x-ray the tech said he was the best two year old that she has ever given an xray. Yes, I am bragging. We go back Thursday for a follow up. I'm curious how he will be now that he is feeling better.

-Thanksgiving was good. My favorite part was black friday shopping with my sisters. Although I did complain a lot and at one point I think I may have cried.

-Next semester is labor and delivery and pediatrics. I am so excited!

-John is at the NFR for the next two weeks. Each year it is the longest two weeks.

-I started running in May. I began with a 20 minute mile and now I am to an 8.5 minute mile. Not an olympic time, but I still feel proud. Bonus, I've lost 22 pounds and have gone down 2 sizes.

-This summer I plan on starting to work as a nurse extern. Pray for me that an outstanding oppurtunity comes up.

-I love Christmas shopping!

Homeless Shelter

For my last 2 weeks of clinical we were at the homeless shelter. I don't think I will ever be able to express all the emotions I had or still have. I am not naive enough to say I didn't know there were homeless people, but that is how I always saw them, homeless people. These were just people. There were Mom's with children, vets in wheelchairs, so much mental illness it broke my heart, little old ladies, babies. It is so easy to stereotype someone into a box that makes it ok for us to neglect them.
On a posiitve note I absolutely love the group I worked with. I would love to work with any one of them in the hospital.

Ben's little sayings...

I've got to start writing these down before I forget them.

-Dayton ate his food too fast and threw it all up. Ben says, "I guess he didn't like it."

-Me, "What do you want for Christmas?" Ben, "a present." Me, "What kind?" Ben, "Papa in a present."

-After he throws up, "Yes!! I got it all up!"

-"I loves you."

-Abram and Ben talking. Ben, "Are you kidding me?" "Are you kidding me?" Are you kidding me?" Abram, "I AM NOT KIDDING YOU!" (Ben had a tendency to repeat himself.

Ben, "But I like to hit."

During his first football game, "You get to push?"

This semester had been a lot more time consuming than last. Some nights I've had up to 6 hours of homework to complete before the next day. The hardest part is finding things to keep Ben busy, but also to make him feel involved. So, I set Ben a work area up at the opposite end of the table as me. He colors, writes his B's and circles, and also makes stuff with his play-do. I also recently set him up on the computer on the Disney website. With the headphones on this keeps him quiet, busy, happy, and in eye shot for thirty mintues. Life saver. The only downfall. He just looks so cute I have a hard time getting anything done. Also, I threw in a picture of Ben's first day of school,

First Day of School

Thursday, Ben went to his first day of preschool. He did so well. We walked in, I found some trucks, showed them to Ben and he was good. He did not shed one single tear, kissed John and I goodbye, and said BYE! I almost made it completely out of the school before my tears came flowing. They were definetly not tears of sadness; I felt so proud of the little boy my baby has become.

Benjamin Age 2

At the begining of Benjamin's life I was able to write about his accomplishments and quirks at each month. For some reason or another I haven't kept up, so this post is all for Benjamin and all his accomplishments and quirks for age 2.

You sleep from 9:00 pm to 7:00 am and nap from 2:00 to 4:30 pm (give or take 30 minutes). You are still a great sleeper and rarely get out of your bed.

You moved to your big boy bed at 26 months. You did awesome. You got out of bed and I told you to get back in bed. You did and that was that. I wish you were this compliant about everything!

You test every boundary every day at least twice and act shocked when you get in trouble. "What?!? I can't throw yogurt on the walls? Well, I wish you would have told me!" (This happens at least once a week.)

You are a great eater. You will try anything. You response is either to continue eating or say, "I don't yike that. It nasty." Other famous quotes from the table, "This is incredible." "This is delicious." "MMMMM, mmm yummy in my tummy." "This is good stuff maynard."

Your talking, so articulate and such a large vocabulary, always suprises me.

You are so incredibly affectionate. I will never forget the night you layed next to me in bed, chatting up a storm about what had happened during the day, you stopped laid your head on my chest, and said, "Momma, I love you." Those moments make all the bad moments just disappear.

You are so bossy. "Come here." "Sit here, NO!, right here." "You stay right there." Your grandparents act as if you are the commander and chief and follow your every demand. We will see how this works for you in school.

You start preschool in two weeks. I get teary eyed just thinking about it. The hardest part for me being a parent is pushing back my urge to keep you all to myself. I want to protect you, do everything for you, to keep all hurt from you. But, this is a big but, I want you to be a strong independent man. With each little bit of the real world I let come in I have to remind myself, I am not raising a boy, I am raising a man.

When Animals Attack!

On my morning run a deer runs in front of me, maybe 12 feet. I am immediately petrified. Why? Because I watch too much "When Animals Attack" on TLC. I look to my left and see two baby deer. OH. MY. WORD. I am in between a mama deer and its babies, I am for sure a goner. (Maybe that's just bear and its babies, but hey, you can never be too safe.) First thought, the whistles people put on the front of their cars to scare deer away. Second thought, make yourself look bigger than what you really are. So I begin sprinting making the most annoying, highest pitch noise I have ever heard leave my body with my arms flailing in the air. I make it to the entrance of my edition. No way back except to cross the deer crossing AGAIN. So, I begin the the screeching, flailing of the arms and dead sprint. Only this time, I'm pretty sure I heard the deer laughing or perhaps it was my neighbors. Nevertheless, I'm pretty sure I doubled my normal calories burned.

PBR 2010

John, Ben, and I met two of our friends from Church at the PBR a few weeks ago and we had a blast. I had to apologize to John afterwards for complaining about having to go. Not that I didn't want to go, but anyone with a two year old knows that generally for the Mom, its not, well relaxing. Overall Ben was good. He loved watching the cowboys and proceeded to tell his Sunday School teachers all about the next day.

3 weeks until school starts. Summer flew by. I've been working on my summer homework for the past month. Its hard. Memorizing lab values, coming up with nursing diagnosis with symptoms listed, and knowing the consequences of low or high lab values. This semester they call the meat and potatoes, its going to be tough. (Not that last semester was easy!) To top is off my schedule will change 6 weeks, 6 weeks, 2 weeks, 2 weeks with different hours during clinicals, ranging from 0630-1530 to 1300-2300. I am a planner so this change is close to overwhelming. But I know the stress will be worth it ten fold. I can do this.