Tuesday, December 27, 2011

ABC's of 2011

A-John and I celebrated our five year anniversary. It gets sweeter with each passing year.
B-Ben started his second year at Broadway Baptist Preschool. He is in there three year old program. His bestest little friend is named Brighton.
C-My Christian walk has changed a lot this year.
D-My brother-in-law was deployed to Afghanistan.
E-This year on Easter, Ben was able to hunt for his eggs by himself. This may seem insignificant but it is a reminder of how big he is getting.
F-We went on a family vacation to Florida. We stayed in Fort Walton Beach in a condo right on the beach. It was incredible.
G-I graduated from nursing school. The most challenging experience of my life. It was incredibly gratifying.
H-Ben went to his first happy birthday party that wasn't a family member. It was his best friend Brock's fourth birthday.
I-I can drive on the interstate in the rain without having a panic attack. So embarassing.
J-May 2011 marked one year of 3-5 days of jogging per week.
K-John accepted a job at KOTV as an evening director and manager.
L-I accepted a job in labor and delivery at St Francis Hospital.
M-I had a miscarriage in November. I'm still trying to put the pieces of my heart back together.
N-My middle brother and his family became neighbors to my parents, moving in across the street.
O-School was incredibly overwhelming this year.
P-Pregnancy has been the word this year. In January we will be seeing a fertility specialist.
Q-John quit traveling with his new job. I love having him home. Also John quit dipping.
R-I have read a total of 7 books for pleasure this year and about 20 for nursing school.
S-I got strep throat in November, it took two rounds of antibiotics to wipe it out. It is the sickest I have been in a long time.
T-My baby turned three, I turned thirty and John turned thirty three and there are three of us.
U-Ben went from diapers to underwear this year. He really did a fantastic job at potty training. For Ben three was the magic number.
V-I lost part of my visual field from an autoimmune disease. It caused optic nerve swelling. I will never regain that vision back due to scar tissue.
W-I started working this year as a nurse tech during my last semester of nursing school. I worked in post partum at St Francis Hospital.
X-I learned to play the xylophone this year. Not really, I just couldn't think of anything with the letter x.
Y-Ben is a young boy now, not a baby. It some ways its incredible like when he tells me he loves me, but in other ways I miss him being a little baby.
Z-We went to the zoo three times this year. Ben loves the animals.

Monday, July 25, 2011


Today was Jennah and Joel's musical. Joel was super adorable and very serious about his flag role. But I must say, Jennah stole the show. I love to see her passion for the arts. It brings back so many good memories for me being in plays and musicals. Jennah has so much raw tallent it always brings me to tear. Her voice it like a little angel. Her confidence on stage it breathtaking. You can tell she is in her element; she truly commands an audience.

Saturday, July 23, 2011


I received a phone call today from the charge nurse in OB at St Francis today. There is a job opening in post-partum/high risk ante-partum. Awesome. Its an emergency call back position so it will work perfectly with my school schedule. Even better, it gives me a foot in the door to women's health for when I graduate. Which by the way is 147 days away.

Friday, July 22, 2011

148 days

-Cleaned the nursery at the Church.

-Entered Ben in a cutest kids contest.

-Watched Travis D. on wipeout and he WON!

-Skipped Ben's nap to "see if he could make it". He passed out on the couch at 4:30 and I had to wake him up at 5:30 to meet John for dinner. Made for a horrible evening.

-Never skipping a nap for no reason again.

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

149 days

I'm not pregnant. John and I have been trying to get pregnant and today I found out I'm not pregnant. I must say this is such an emotional roller coaster ride. Ben was a suprise, big suprise so we never went through the process of trying. I know in my mind God's timing and God's plan are much better than mine. But each month with the reminder that I'm not pregnant makes my heart ache. I love Benjamin so much and equally love being a Mommy.

**Interuption: Ben just walked in and asked if he could be my baby. His insight and timing always awes me.

Ending on a funny note during our small group one of the men prayed for John and I his prayer went like this: "Please be with John and Amy as they try to get pregnant. I pray that you give them time to get it done." I could not quit laughing.

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

150 days til graduation...

My goal is to post something for the next 150 days.

-Today Ben went for his 3 year old check up. He got one shot and John said he was very brave. He is in the 90th percentile in both height and weight. I find it interesting on height he has always been below the 50th percentile.

-I had an eye appointment today to check the condition of my optic nerve. (thus the reason I misssed Ben's appointment) The most interesting part of the appointment was the ultrasound on my eye. It felt like a massage on my eye.

-Ben and I went to see Winnie the Pooh today in Sand Springs. Tuesday is $2 so I thought I should take advantage and wasn't disappointed. We went to go see Cars 2 at Jenks Riverwalk and the theater was filthy and a little toasty. Sand Springs although old was cold and clean.

Thursday, June 23, 2011

The last 5 years

Happy Birthday to ME!
Below is my blog from four years ago, right before I turned 26, in CAPS LOCK is my blog from three years ago when I turned 27, in italics is for my 28th birthday, 29th is in bold and the big 3-0 is back to "normal" font.

I see you 26
28, 29, 30...does it really matter?
29? I am 29 years old, when did that happen?
I've been waiting for you thirty, the promises of what those wiser and older than me have told me, thirties is when life really gets sweet.

I am turning 26 this Sunday. I have never really thought about age before or getting older, until this year.
I still do not think about how old I am, now I think about how old my son is.
This is my last year to be twenty, how weird is that?
I see myself on a time line now, I need have another baby by this age, perhaps another by this age, eetc.

A few things I have noticed:

I wear clothes for comfort now.
I wear Mom clothes. Big underwear (I can't even call them panties).
I don't think I have one piece of clothing without some type of stain from Ben on it.
Classy, I strive to look classy now. Well, comfortable classy.

Elastic and I have become quite close.
I wear SPANX, so the elastic doesn't become embedded in my skin.
I wear elastic to work out in now, almost down to my wedding weight.
I still wear elastic to work out in and am now under my wedding weight.

Once upon a time high heel shoes didn't hurt my feet.
My feet have grown a size and a half, or I have realized, I am not really a 7.5.
I love high heel shoes, but now I am paranoid about bunions and foot deformities, I think I will stick to flip flops and tennis shoes.
I occasionally wear high heal shoes and try to worry less about foot deformities and bunions. (Although in nursing school I have seen some nasty feet, perhaps I should steer clear of high heals)

I worry about my health and heart disease.
I am striving to live a healthy life so I can enjoy my grandchildren.
I am living a healthy life.
While living a healthy life I was diagnosed with connective tissue disease a potentially life altering disease. I've now learned worrying doesn't change a thing.

I read the contents in my food, ecpecially the fiber section.
Only water soluble fiber
Lots of fruits and vegetables
This year I learned too much fiber can constipate toddlers. Sorry Ben.

I take much more time and money on my skin.
I love clinique, my skin has never looked better
Still loving clinique.
I do love clinique, I think now is the time to switch to anti-aging.

I tan much less and wear sunscreen and sometimes sunblock.
I always wear sunscreen.
I burned on Memorial Day and was convinved I had just given myself skin cancer.
I am so tan right now. We went to Destin and I was on the beach (with 30-50 sunscreen on) everyday.

Bars seem really loud.
I go to Church now.
I enjoy going to Church and get more out if it than any bar.
Family, Church and school, thats all I have time for and all I want to make time for.

I get in my pajamas much earlier now.
I get out of my PJ's during Ben's first nap.
I get out of my PJ's right when I get up, throw on my workout cloths and go for a jog.
I buy cute pajamams now, no more John's t-shirts and boxers.

I haven't seen 2 AM, in probably a year...or 1 AM at that.
I go to bed at 11 PM, and rarely wake up before 8 AM.
11 PM? Who stays up till 11? That is just crazy talk!
John's new hours are really throwing me off.

I look forward to the news, and must watch the weather.
I watch the news, only when John is in town.
I watch the 5:00, 6:00, and 10:00 news, and occasionally the 9:00 news on FOX.
My husband is now the director of channel 6 news. I watch and beam with pride.

I have gotten much curvier, and not in a bad way.
John thinks my body is perfect, and that is all that matters.
I'm back to curvy in a good way and John still thinks my body is perfect.
John can't keep his hands off me, I guess I'm like a fine wine, better with age.

My family has become my friends.
I still love my family.
Love my family and am making new friends.
My family is like friends and my friends like family.

I am pretty now and not cute.
I am a beautiful Mother.
I am a beautiful wife and mother.
Apparently I was quite conceited at 29! I strive to look good for John.

I think about my future more, and how to better myself for the future.
I now plan for the future.
I will be a nurse in the near future.
I graduate in December.

Life is good. Bring on 26.
What a great year, perhaps another baby at 28...maybe 29.
Maybe another baby by 30?
Hopefully another baby by 31.

Friday, April 22, 2011

The diagnosis

Nothing physically has changed since my last blog. My vision is the same. Since my last post, I have been to the rheumatologist and had more blood work drawn. My first diagnosis is Raynauds. My great grandmother was also diagnosed with this. This is a circulatory disease that affects the circulation to the fingers, toes and nose. No fatal complications just be aware of cold temperatures and protect my fingers and toes; you are at higher risk of getting frost bite. The second diagnosis is connective tissue disease. This is the biggy and this is what is affecting my eye. My CRP (inflammation rate in your body) was significantly high at 4.5. My rheumatologist wants me to go on an immunosupressant drug, but I am quite leary of going on any immunosupressant medication. There are tons of horrible side effects including cancer. I am going to try a more holistic/naturopathic approach while I am healthy, young and not having any debilitating effects from this disease.
There has been some cases where a patient has had a flare up goes into remission and never has another symptom ever again. This is my prayer.


Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Ben had asked if he could go to the bathroom outside. I said yes. I totally misunderstood what bathroom meant.

Days 23-26

Not a lot has changed. I was able to get contacts which does improve my vision in my eye. The rheumatologist's office called and set me up an appointment for April 4. Nice to know they are not in a hurry. I have driven myself crazy going back in forth feeling the need to educate myself on every autoimmune disease, just in case that's the one, then not wanting to read anything and bury my head in the sand and pretend nothing is wrong. Both have their drawbacks and both have their benefits.
John and I had two lunch dates this past week. It was really nice. John also had his review at work and his boss had incredible things to say about him. Of course I think the world of him, but to hear someone else thinks he is great too, is awesome. Ben has had his moments being the three year old he is, but he has been extremely affectionate and loving towards me.

Thursday, March 10, 2011

Day 22

I called the doctor today on my way to clinicals. His nurse gave me my lab results, a positive ANA. I have an autoimmune disease. I'm being referred to a rheumatologist. I was unaware rhematologist specialize in autoimmune diseases other than rheumatoid arthritist. It took a while for the news of the positive test result to sink in, which I was thankful for. I really didn't want to be a blubbering mess at clinicals. When I called my mom to tell her, she thought this had to do with AIDS. So for my non medical friends, I do not have AIDS. Autoimmune means your body is mistaking itself as an invader and attacking itself. Its overactive, AIDS in underactive. There are hundreds of autoimmune disease some mild some very serious. I would assume I do not have a genetic autoimmune disease like ALS, since there is no evidence of this in my family. I have already tested negative for RA.
My biggest fear is that I will not be able to have any more children or continue school.

Wednesday, March 09, 2011

Day 21

Today started my OB/GYN rotation and I am thrilled! I loved lecture today and am excited about starting clinicals tomorrow. I received a message today from my primary care doctor's nurse informing me my lab results are back. Now I have to wait all night to find out what the results are.

Monday, March 07, 2011

Day 20

I'm having a really hard day. I'm frustrated and exhausted. Everything takes more time, everything is harder. Its little things. I can't see my left armpit to shave. I can't see my right eye to put make-up on it, in order to drive I have to turn my head constantly, etc. I think if I knew these things were for a limited time or I had a time line on when things would be back to normal, I could do it without any complaints. Its the not knowing and the looming fear of not knowing exactly whats going on. Is it something serious? I think what is making it especially hard for me today is seeing how it is affecting my school work. I'm spending more time on my work and my grades are lower. It just stinks and my attitude stinks.
On an upside I have the sweetest most compassionate little boy. He really is special. John's not too bad either : ) He offered to shave my under arm for me and put make-up on my eye. Maybe I'll take him up on the offer for some comedy relief.

Sunday, March 06, 2011

Day 18 & 19

My eye has been the same the last two days. I am hopeful that the swelling will continue to decrease. I should get my blood work results back tomorrow or the next day and I am anxiously waiting.
Good news, I start my OB clinicals and classes this week. I'm pretty excited!

Saturday, March 05, 2011

Day 17

Today I had two doctors appointments one with my primary care doctor and an appoitment with my eye doctor. At the first appointment the doctor said overall I look good, but he wanted to have some blood work drawn. I should get the results back Monday or Tuesday. I got good news at the retina specialist, the inflamation on my optic nerve has decreased and he believes with the right lenses he will be able to get my vision to 20/25. The spot hasn't gone away in my eye and I am hoping once all the inflamation is gone it will also be gone. Only time will tell. My next appointment isn't until 3 weeks. Its always a good sign when your doctor appointments are further apart.

Thursday, March 03, 2011

Day 16

With everything going on, one of the biggest blessings is I have had to slow down. Slowing down equals more time to spend with Ben.
Today I had a test to take then I went to see the Indian doctor in Sapulpa (I'm not for exactly what her title is, I've teetered between Medicine man and Indian doctor). She uses eyeology to see what your body is missing and what areas should be focused on. In doing this she recommends what you should or should not be consume, whether it be food or vitamins. I am a fan of alternative medicine, not by itself but in compliment with modern medicine. She looks into your eyes and identifies your issues. There is an actual science behind and some day I plan on doing some research on it. Her main concerns with me were, my lymphatic system, my thyoid and parathyroid, and my circulatory system. She was right on, on a few things she spoke of, it was really interesting. She asked me to come back and see her in 6-8 weeks. Might I add, she does this for no charge, so its not a gimic. Tomorrow I have my appointment with my primary care doctor and retina specialist.

Day 15

Yesterday I had to take Ben to the doctor, poor guy had an ear infection. Its interesting how quickly I forgot about my medical issues when something was wrong with my baby. At 6:30 I jumped in the car to go pick up Ben's medicine. When I left the pharmacy I realized it was dark outside. In the dark I can barely see anything out of my left eye. Luckily all the streets were very well lit. I made it home safely. Although turning into the driveway was a bit tricky.

Side note, no change in my vision.

Day 14

Its been two weeks. Someone asked me if I get sick of people asking me about my eye. When people stop asking, is when I will be concerned. I've decided to go and see the Indian doctor in Sapulpa. I believe in alternative medicine, but as complimentary to modern medicince. I curious as to what she will say. I've been worrying less about my eye and its become more of a frustration. Everything takes more time.
Its hard to complain about any of this after spending the day with hospice patients.

Tuesday, March 01, 2011

Day 13

My eye is the same. I have noticed I am able to compensate better. If I am reading if I move my book just to the right of my center vision, I am able to see it better. I made an appointment with a primary care physician to have some blood work drawn and just to hear a physcians ideas whose specialty isn't the eye. I am hoping this will give me some peace of mind and some confirmation that this is localized to my eye.

Monday, February 28, 2011

Day 12

Today was Church and it is so comforting to know so many people are praying for me. I talked to my sister Jenny today and I told her I was worried I may have Multiple Sclerosis. She laughed. A BIG HARDY LAUGH. It made me laugh. It may not be how most people respond, but I needed it.

Sunday, February 27, 2011

Day 11

I made the mistake of looking into what can cause inflammation of the optice nerve. 28% of MS patient's first symptom is optic nerve inflammation. I stopped reading after that and left it at that. I spent the rest of the day writing my careplan for my patient with lung cancer.

Day 10

Passed my test and the class, this was my final. I love 8 week classes. My vision is the same. I saw the doctor and he noticed the spots around my membranes and capillaries were going away, but my optic nerve is still inflamed. If I get my vision back he estimates it will be between 3-4 weeks. There is a potential for my optic nerve to have scarring on it, if that's the case, my vision would not come back and will not be able to be fixed.. He does not seem too concerned with why there's inflammation, just that it is an autoimmune response which generally occurs post virus. The vision that I still have in the left eye has lost acuity.

Day 9

Its the same. I see the doctor tomorrow and am hoping he sees something different. I have a test in my quality of life class on Friday so today will be spent studying. EVERYTHING takes me twice as long as it use to and it is so frustrating. Ben's valentine's party is today. He was so excited to see me and gave me tons of kisses and hugs. I was so glad I was able to be there.

Day 8

Its the same. Every morning I lay in bed not wanting to open my eyes. With that first gleam of light I hope and pray everything will be back to normal. But each morning its the same. I remember in junior high a girl called me a hypochondriac. For some reason that insult has stuck with me. Any time since then I talk about anything to do with my own health I wonder, do they think I'm overreacting? This is the first time I have thought, I hope I am a hypochondriac.

Day 7

Its been one week. My vision hasn't changed since Sunday, which is good and bad, its not worse, but not better. I have clinicals today at Cancer Care. I've noticed I'm really unsure of where I am and am constantly turning to the left. I think I'm paranoid I'm going to bump into something or someone. Its really a strange feeling.

Saturday, February 26, 2011

Day 6

I get a call from Chesley to set me up for an appointment. I'm able to get in first thing in the morning so I only have to miss one class. Unfortunately I will be dilated for my second class in which I will be giving a presentation. The doctor said my eyes looked the same. Now it is just watch and wait. He will be out of the office until Friday and he wants to see me them. If I get worse or have any new symptoms to call Dr. such and such. He is aware of my case. My case? Although I find it comforting to know he is consulting other physicians, it also reminds me of the seriousness and uncertainty. My presentation went great. I called Hayley to see if she could give me a ride home from school. I feel like a child having to call and ask people for rides. I know its inconvenient.

Day 5

My vision is the same, no better no worse. I find it heartbreaking to be on the prayer list at Church, thats for people in need and the people who are sick. I hate when people ask me about my eye and I see the fear and concern in their voice and their facial expressions. I go from making jokes about it in front of people and crying uncontrollably when no one is around. I take care of people. I'm scared. Its the unknown, not having a definitive diagnosis. Not knowing my prognosis.

Day 4

My vision if definitely worse today. The spot is the same but my actual vision in my eye is worse. My vision looks as if someone has smeared vaseline all over my eye. I can see light through it and shapes but no definite lines.
I kept thinking is was going to get better and I didn't want to ruin Ben and Abram's birthday party so I ignored it until after the party. I had them page the retina specialist. He called back and said he was headed to the office to look up a few things. At this point I am convinced I have a tumor on my optic nerve. A few hours later he calls me with a suggestive diagnosis of multiple evanescent white dot syndrome. Unfortunatley its not a textbook case, there's no cure, it is just a wait and see type thing. Call if it gets worse and if you get anymore sypmtoms unrelated to the eye. I am to come into the office on Monday to see him.
My emotions have been a roller coaster ride along with my self diagnosis. Day 1 I thought I may be having a stroke. Day 2, possible stroke. Day three an autoimmune disease. Day four a tumor.

Day 3

My good friend Chesley had called yesterday to find out what was going on with my eye. She just happens to work with an outstanding retina specialist. I told her and she said I should see her doctor, I said I probably would for a second opinion. I woke up with my vision the same as it had been and totally stressd because I had a test in peds. I was worried I wouldn't be able to fill in the scantron correctly. I had spoken with my professor and was told if I can't fill out the bubbles then don't take the test. I could rant and rave about this lack of compassion but thats another blog. I took the test got a 94% one of the top in the class. Fury sometimes does me good. When I was driving to pick Ben up Chesley had called and said she had spoke with her doctor and he wanted to see me and he could get me in at 1245 today. After a rearrange with Ben's schedule I went right in. I had the same test ran as the previous day and he also did an angiography which showed an inflamed optic nerve and some inflamation in the capillaries along with some build up or white spots around the capillaries. His response, there is something wrong, but I do not know what, but I will go through all of my sources until I find out what it is. Fair enough, you can't go wrong with honesty.
I went to a funeral that night and on on the way home, I realized my vision was getting worse.

Thursday, February 24, 2011

My eye, day 2.

I went and saw the first retina specialist on this day. Luckily John was able to take me. Yesterday my parents had to come and pick me up from the doctor since I couldn't see well enough to drive. This was a rough day and a really bad experience. I was so glad to have my husband there with me. It started with the dilation, photos of my eyes and then the doctor examining my eye. The examination was horrible. It was invasive and I felt so vulnerable. One of my biggest pet peeves concerning the medical field is when they do things without explaining it to the patient first. At one point I thought I had gone blind. They had put a gel in my eye and then stuck this cone thing to it. IT TOUCHED MY EYE. Not only touched it but for a long period of time. My head was strapped to the machine. I felt as if I was in a torturing device. When they removed it I couldn't see. Do you know how frightening that is? When I said, "I can't see." The only response is that's normal. Thanks for the heads up. After the intrusive examination he goes on to tell me he thinks I am having an autoimmune response. Ok. Why? Should I have blood work drawn? Should I be checked for autoimmune diseases? Where do we go from here? Will I get my vision back? After halfway answering all my questions he goes on to tell me he graduated at the top of his medical class and how smart you have to be to be a retina specialist. Obviously social skills are not needed.
I left in tears feeling as if nothing had been acomplished. My vision was the same. Most of all I was scared. Scared I had a tumor, scared I had an autoimmune disease. Scared of the unknown. I cried the remainder of the evening. Not knowing where or what to do next.

My eye, day 1.

Tuesday February 15 around 930 at night I noticed a dark spot in my vision when I would blink, it almost looked like a dark spider web. I attributed it to stress and fatigue from a long day at clinicals. I woke up the next morning, drove to clinicals and really didn't think much about it. When we were sitting in preconference I then noticed part of my visual field was gone to the left of center. Basically if someone was standing around four feet in front of me just to the left of my center vision I coudn't see there head. (I think thats a good description).
I spoke to my clinical instructor and she said she would I should [probably go and see my opthamologist. At this point I'm really not concerned at all. After clinicals I met some of the girls for lunch and on the way I called my optometrist. Gave her answer service the description of my symptoms and within 2 minutes she calls me back and ask me to come in for this could be a detatched retina. Her calling me back so quickly did give my some concern, I knew a detached retina could be fixed and figured if that was it, you fix and be done with.
I got to Dr. Sweet's office around 130 in the afternoon. She looked, looked and looked some more at my eye and was baffled, she could see something wrong, but could not define it. But my retina looked good. She had me hang out in her office for about an hour and she re-evaluated me. After the reevaluations she wanted me to see an opthamolgist. I went straight from her office to the next doctor's office. Right when I got there they dialated me and I saw the doctor. He said he could see some inflamation and some RBC's in my eye. So he wanted me to see a retina specialist. They set me up an appointment for the next day.

Sunday, February 13, 2011

Happy Birthday Benjamin!

My baby is three. I have been so busy with school, I haven't wanted to take any of my extra time (and I use "extra" loosely) to blog. But I didn't want to look back and not have anything written about Ben on his special day.
We started the day with Mickey Mouse pancakes and sausage. The night before I had decorated the kitchen with his favorite cartoon, Phineas and Ferb, and of course plenty of balloons. He got to open his present from John and I before breakfast, a helicopter. This was the only thing he asked for so luckily I was able to find one! After his nap we headed to Incredible Pizza. Unfortunately it wasn't so incredible. There were so many people there. I think Ben had a good time, but we all left totally overstimulated. We came home to enjoy Benjamin's favorite part of his Birthday, the cupcakes! Next weekend will be spent celebrating Ben's birthday with his best friend and cousin, Abram (AKA Thing 1 and Thing 2).

Here are a few things I want to remember about Ben over the last year:
1. He started preschool at Broadway Baptist. He has thrived. He is so much more social than John and I, he has really enjoyed the interaction.
2. Every time I would tell him Happy Birthday, he would tell me, Happy Birthday Mom, in the sweetest little voice.
3. He has started developing friends. It is the sweetest little thing. He has even asked to spend the night with his BFF Brock.
4. He jumps with both feet off the ground.
5. Nothing can have pink, because he says pink is for girls.
6. He talks constantly, he articulates every word and speaks with passion.
7. He likes to say, "Lets talk about...." and names different things he wants to talk about.
8. He can sing 4 songs from memory.
9. He has the best imagination. I love to sit back and watch him when he plays with his toys.
10. He was potty trained this year, much to my relief it wasn't too bad.

My sweet little boy, I love you so much. I remember the first time I saw you and the overwhelming emotions I felt and the tears that filled my eyes. Still to this day when I look at you I have that same feeling. You are more than I could every wish for. You bring me so much joy (and a touch of crazy). I love you my Sunshine.