Apparently no one told Benji he was sick.

First Trip to the Minor Emergency

Benji has had a dry cough for a few days, and I hadn't thought much of it. Yesterday morning when I went to get him out of bed he was covered in vomit/spit-up (its looks the same to me). When I started to change him I noticed his cough now sounded productive. As the day progressed so did his cough. While I was on the phone with Jenny he started coughing she strongly suggested I take him to an after hours clinic. In the back on my mind I had wanted to all day, but thought it was maybe first time mom jitters. We went to the new Children's Minor Emergency at St Francis. It was so nice, everything was brand new. We had an appointment at 7, we waited about an hour in the waiting room. They took his vitals and weighed him (ya, now 9lbs) and we saw the doctor within a few minutes. After nose suction and chest x-rays they ruled out RSV and pneumonia. Poor little guy is fighting a virus. To my credit the doctor said you can't take any chances with little ones when it comes to congestion. So maybe I am not so paranoid : )

One Month to Live

We are starting a new series at church entitled, "One Month to Live". In small group the question went around the circle, how would you change your life if you had one month to live. After small group I realized everyone, including myself, misinterpreted and answered what you would do. For example, make sure my son, my husband, my estates are all in order and not how you would change your everyday life. So of course my wheels got to turning, how would I change my life, how would I think differently.
-I wouldn't wear make-up, take 20 minutes figuring out what I would wear, exercise to lose weight, diet, or go shopping. How could I justify that time spent away from those I love to make my" shell" look better? Every minute is precious.
-I wouldn't spend so much time making sure my house if clean before people came over or worse, not have people over because I don't want to clean my house. Seriously, do I care if people at my funeral say, "She always had such a clean house."
-I would drive to see my sister more. Gas prices and maintenance on the car would seem so trivial.
-I would be much more honest. I wouldn't say I am a liar now, but I wouldn't hold so much in. I guess I wouldn't care so much about making people feel uncomfortable, or hurting their feelings. In life some times the truth hurts.
-I would talk more about my faith. I am ashamed to say I rarely talk about God to those I love the most.
-I would answer the phone when people call, I would make the time no matter what I am doing.
-I would throw my TV to the curb. I have caught myself on more than one occasion saying, I will come to bed as soon as this show is over, or I will call them back over this show is over. DVR has helped, but now I feel like I watch even more TV. It makes me sad when I think I know everyones names on Big Brother, but not everyones name in church.

So, how would you live differently?

The Final Four

John left this morning to work the final four. He is really excited, this is the biggest event he has worked. He will be gone until Tuesday, so Benji and I will be holding down the fort until then. Day one has been good, dare I say boring? Benjamin is changing daily. I put on an outfit today and he had outgrown it, I believe overnight. He let out his first little giggle today. I look forward to many more. Since starting a routine and some supplementing formula its like I have a different child. He seems so much more content. He is a happy little boy and I am a happy little momma.
School starts for me June 2. I am really looking forward to it. I decided to take Sociology this summer and to get my CNA. Sociology is necessary for my bachelors (if I choose that path) and my CNA is required for the TCC nursing program. This fall I am enrolled in Microbiology and Physiology, oddly enough I am really excited about these classes. They are going to be extremely challenging, but I am ready for some brain stimulation. I will be through with my prerequisites after those two classes and will be applying for TCC nursing program for the Spring. If I do not get in, I will continue taking prereqs for my bachelors. Apparently TCC has a bridge program with OU-Tulsa to take your first 3 years at TCC (at TCC's tuition as opposed to OU's) and finish your senior year at OU. I haven't really looked into it, but it is a possibility.

Chunky Monkey

We went to the doctor today for a weight check and Mr. Benji is 8lbs even! That is about a pound in one week. I am doing about half formula and half breast milk now. I didn't realize how emotional it would be for me to stop breastfeeding, so I started breastfeeding again too. It makes for a busy day pumping, breastfeeding, freezing milk, preparing formula bottles, but its all worth it to me. Eventually I would like to breastfeed and pump only and stop the formula. For now I am just taking it one day at a time.

Its Like Night and Day

Today I started exclusively using the bottle AND doing a routine. I hate saying schedule, but basically thats what I tried to do and partially succeeded. We did Eat, Awake, Sleep, You (me) time. The acronym EASY, I got it off Baby Whisperer. Thank you for the introduction Audrey. I must say I have always thought I was against routine or scheduling, but I am not a good reader of cues. Every cue Benji gave me I thought he was telling me he was hungry. With a schedule I know what to expect AND with actually seeing how much he ate, I do not assume he is hungry 20 minutes later when he is sucking on his hand, I KNOW he just ate 3 oz. With Benji starting out sickly, I need that reassurance of actually seeing what he is getting. I feel like a new woman today. John and I actually had dinner together at a RESTAURANT with Benji. No problems, we went during his sleep time.
For all you pro breast feeders, I haven't stopped pumping, in fact I am pumping more than I have ever been able to (2-3 oz in 5 minutes). It is amazing what relaxing can do for you.
aaaaahhhhhh.........(thats me letting out a sigh of relief)

I QUIT, I QUIT, I QUIT!!!!

I lost it today, lost it. I am so tired. My body hurts. My brain is no longer functioning. I either have postpartum depression or I am just stressed to the absolute max. I cried the majority of the day. Benji didn't sleep during the day. We went on a walk, sat outside and enjoyed the weather, sang songs, but those little peepers would not close. To make it worse he wouldn't eat either, at least not from me. And to top it off John is out of town for the first time since he has been born.
So after a tearful call to my momma, I decided to quit breastfeeding. It felt like the world had been lifted off my shoulders. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy breastfeeding but I know my limits. I can handle no more stress. I thought I would feel guilty and maybe a part of me does, but I think Benji would prefer a happy momma. So there you have it. Do I feel like a quitter? Nah. I made a decision that is best for me and Benji. I love my son.

Elmo

Benji loves his Elmo. I think it is because his eyes are as big and beautiful as his.

Little Update

I went for my 6 week postpartum appointment today and everything is good. I am actually 4lbs away from being at my pre-pregnancy weight. I sure don't feel like it though!
I decided to go by Benjamin's doctor on my home to weigh him. I just couldn't wait until Thursday. He had gained some weight, but only 2 oz. I tried so hard not to cry, but I did. The poor nurse didn't know what to do. So she went and got the doctor. I told him I would like to start supplementing. He was against it, but understood. So I am only supplementing twice a day and only 1-3 ounces and only after I breast feed. I had him check his head to see if it had gotten any bigger and it had which it good. This means he does not have failure to thrive. His blood work it due to be back tomorrow, this will rule out rare diseases that could be causing him not to gain weight. John gets to feed Benjamin tonight for the first time and he is so excited, that's one good thing about us supplementing.
I hope everyone is having a good week!

Another trip to the lab...

I get a phone call today from a number I didn't recognize so I let it go to voicemail. I listen to it and it is Benjamin's doctor asking me to call him back on his cell phone. I have come to realize when a doctor calls himself, on his own cell phone, it isn't usually good news. He said he began to get concerned last night and consulted another colleage of his who specializes in "sick babies". He has decided he wants Benajmin to come into the lab today to have more blood drawn. I would rather have a needle stuck in my eye than to have Benjamin have more blood drawn. We go to the lab. I am much pushier this time than last. I let them know I need a hot pack for his foot and I want it to stay on longer than just a few minutes. One prick of the foot...squeeze for 2 hours (not really that long, but it felt like it). Phlebotomist: "That wasn't a good prick, I will have try again." I barely refrain from grabbing a needle and jabbing it in her foot repeatedly. Seriously, you see a little baby come in, at least get the best phlebotomist to draw blood. The second stick was good.
His bilirubin came back slightly elevated over normal, a 7, which is fine, 1-6 is considered in normal range. His other test will come back sometime next week. I posted on www.kellymom.com the issues Benjamin has been having and I received a very encouraging post back. This lady had been having the no weight gain issue and she figured out she had a lot of foremilk (lowfat) and the baby wasn't getting enough hindmilk (high fat, high calorie). So she gave me a few ideas to try. I really feel like this could fix it. So pray, pray, pray for hindmilk consumption.
I am feeling better since the last post. Thanks for the prayers and comments.

Failure

I just feel so defeated and like I am failing at the very basics of being a mother. We went back to the pediatrician and Benjamin has gained nothing. NOTHING, not even an ounce. He is not even back up to his birth weight and he will be 6 weeks next Tuesday. My milk is definetly in, he eats every 2-3 hours with an occasional 4 hour span through the night, he has normal wet and bowel movement diapers, developmentally he is right on target and is even a little ahead (he started rolling over at 4 weeks). The doctor is not worried, yet. We go back in 10 days to check to see if he has gained any weight, if not we will start running test then. One part of me wants to quit breastfeeding, another part of me knows that my milk is the best thing for Benjamin, another part of me wants to tell the doctor to run test now and not wait. The biggest part of me wants to just curl up and cry. I just don't know what to do. Keep Benjamin in your prayers. Maybe me too, for my sanity.

Family Picture Time!!

We had our first family pictures taken. It went much smoother than I thought it would, but it was exhausting.

Abram Derrick

Benjamin and I had the pleasure of being there for the birth of his new cousin Abram, also known as Lusty Boy #3, also known as Tank. I will let Jenny give everyone details, but it was quite the birth.

1 Month Old

No, he's not suprised in the second picture, he just has big, beautiful eyes : ) It feels likes longer than a month and also just like yesterday when I found out I was pregnant. I love my son, I love my husband. I am so thankful for the life God has blessed me with.

Little Dimple

Yes, I sat with the camera pointed at Benjamin for 30 minutes to get a picture of him smiling, but I got it. What else do I have to do?

True Blue Momma

Benjamin urinated on me and I was too tired to change my shirt. I slept in it and didn't think twice about it. I guess that makes me a true blue momma. I hope you enjoy the pictures.

Memories and Odd Facts

As you all know Benjamin is in the hospital. He will hopefully be going home Thursday or Friday. So, while I wait I thought I would complete the tag from Jessica and combine it with Shelly's blog on memories.

Odd Facts:

1. I look at John's ears and cannot keep from touching and picking at them. I know it drives him crazy and I really do try to keep from doing it, but I can't. I also pick at my own ears until they bleed.

2. When I am in a drive thru I must keep plenty of space between the car in front out me and my car, just in case someone try to car jack me. I also have the same rule for the intersection at Harvard and I-44.

3. When I practice singing I use a hair brush as a microphone.

4.I am a people pleaser, who does not like to please people.

5. What atracted me to John was his akwardness and the fact that he was not suave. He swept me off my feet by being John.

Favorite Memories

1. Lake Eufala, everything about it. Playing with "little people" in the creek, sleeping in the pop-up with no AC, playing 21-31, my favorite memory of Eufala was seeing my dad so happy.

2. Going to Grandma and Papa's with my brother and sister and my cousins, laying in the bed scratching each other's backs and then switching sides, then Grandma coming in the room telling us to be quiet and go to sleep.

3. Friday nights with my Mom and Dad, Star Trek and steaks.

4. Telling John I was pregnant.

5. Seeing John's face the first time he saw Benjamin.

Well, now I am getting teary eyed, so I better stop there.

Benjamin's Birthday

I was put into the hospital due to high blood pressure on Monday. The doctor decided to induce. They put gel on my cervix to soften it. I began having contractions and cramps, totally unexpected. I thought they would put the gel in, I would take a sleeping pill, and begin the petocin drip at 5 am. Wrong, I went into active labor, with constant, no break contractions. They took the "gel" pill out 2 hours later, and the contractions continued all night. I finally fell asleep around 3:30-4:00 and was awoken at 5 am for the petocin. Let real labor begin! I was dialated to a two and at 8 am they broke my water...weird stuff. I was a three, with good strong contractions. I requested my epidural, or as I llike to call it a God sent special sauce. The actual epidural was nothing, so any preggers who are nervous about that, don't be seriously. I barely even felt it. So around 11am, they check and I am only a 4...are you kidding me? So hurry up and wait, issues with the epidural, only took on one side issue resolved, so quickly. Its like the anestheseologist has wings. Ok, so around 1 pm, dialated to a 7...good stuff, moving right along, then I realized I am scared to death. I need my mom. Mom comes, calms me down...moms are so good at that. They come in about an hour later..I am a ten, and ready to push. After a few fearful tears, I go into Go Mode. John assumes his position as coach. He was so funny and so cute. He is very, very queazy around blood and we had decided he would just keep eye contact with me and not cut the cord. He changed his mind. I was in Go Mode, he was in Dad Mode. Here is his coaching style, " 1, 2, 3, ....9, 10, again, you can do this Amy, and 1, 2, 3....9, 10 and one more time..." I started laughing at one point, he was straining his voice and I realized he was pushing along with me. In the meantime, John has decided he will be cutting the cord and he will watch. So he saw little Benjamin's head come out, John's face was breathtaking and the tears rolling down his face were priceless. Delivery complete, Benj had swallowed amniotic fluid so I didn't get to hold him for 45 minutes, which was really hard, but necessary. I nursed immediatley he look at me immediatley, and I fell instantly head over heels in love with him. Benjamin was worth every ache and pain, sleepless nights, hemrroids, etc. So everything is well in the household. I am currently going on about 3 hours of sleep in the last 3-4 days combined, so excuse the gramatical errors.

Longest Month of My LIFE

and its only the sixth. I consider myself a patient person, but come on. I love how all the books say the baby will make smaller movements because they are runnig out of room, apparently Benjamin did not read these books. My dad always said I was like a bull in a china cabinet. I belive my son is taking after his mommy. Unfortunatly for my uterus it is the china cabinet and my son is a giant bull. (He will probably only be six pounds and 18 inches long, but let me tell you, he feels huge to me.) He has officially droped per the doctor, her words exactly..."OH! His head it just right there." I could have told you that without the pelvic exam. My bladder has been announcing it with a bull horn.
Well, I guess let the waiting game continue, I don't really have much say so anways!